One thing I could not learn from Sweet Ellie the Working Cocker (more about her later) and one thing I did learn from Jimmy the Fox (ditto) would have made my life in the UK much, much easier: don’t talk to anyone. But if you do, adopt any British accent you can dredge up. Silent people are thought to be broody or just plain arseholes. Unless they happen to be women, then they are thought to be frigid lesbians who think they’re just God’s own gift. (Wait! That’s in my exile country of the USA.) But, you get what I mean. The advice long`suffering Jimmy tried to drum into me I could have actually pulled off. And if someone didn’t buy the accent I would stick to it or switch to the Lucky Charms leprechaun, but they would never hear my actual accent.

My real accent came with an immediate, unvarying question: What do you think about Donald Trump?

What do I think about Donald Trump? You did not just ask me that. Was it a serious question? Were there a lot of Tea Party members hanging out in their locals tonight in London? No, they were getting Blooming Onions and pretending they were “down under,” a place no genuine conservative would ask his wife to go. They have rent boys for that.

Who am I going to vote for? Oh, hells no. They did not really ask me that question. Except, they did. Over and over. And it never lost its you-have-got-to-be fucking-kidding-me effect and I never made any effort to hide it. If was going to vote for the offspring of Easter grass and a tacky tangerine jelly bean, I’d be back in the states telling reminding everyone that the United States is the Greatest Country In the World! (It’s not.)

Of course, that was the oh-so-subtle segue for many a wanker to explain to me how fabulous it would be for the USA to elect Trump. He will shake things up. Nuclear war tends to do that. He’s not a Washington politician. He’s not an Air Malaysia pilot, but that would explain a lot. He’s a successful businessman. Trump Vodka, Trump Air, Trump University, Trump Magazine… He’ll deal with the illegal immigrants. You all can’t do that and you’re an island.

What do I think about Brexit? Trick question. Replace “Brexit” with any religion and the person only wants to prattle on ad nauseam about their choice. I paid big pounds for the opportunity to hear several Über Mensch explain how exiting benefited the working man. I hope they don’t have to renegotiate their car loan any time soon. (Yes, I do.) Best to wait until the day after the loan to research something that world-altering.

So, there are my opinions on all three topics Brits and Irish alike really brought just share with me their rock-solid opinions. And to think, every now and then, I was just sure they were taking the piss. Okay. I was hoping, hoping, hoping.

Because, I do have “Will Talk To Anyone” tattooed on my forehead and even the longest concealer video on YouTube hasn’t helped.

#You’reShitFaced? #NoNotYou